My first published article!

(The Word Among Us - August 2009)

Is That You, Lord?
How I began to recognize the voice of God

How can you tell if God is speaking to you? How do you discern whether one of the innumerable thoughts racing through your brain might be divinely inspired? As any mother knows from her own ability to pick out her child’s voice from among the din of other voices at the playground, the starting point is communication and familiarity with the person speaking. But for many years, I had no real knowledge of God.

Though raised in a loving home by committed Catholic parents, I fell away from my faith when I moved out on my own. Late Saturday nights out meant sleeping in on Sundays, and God became a low priority. After I married and gave birth to our first child, though, I felt an immense responsibility to give him a solid spiritual foundation. I returned to church and to weekly Mass. Even so, I didn’t bother to develop a relationship with God.

At forty I became pregnant again. Thrilled as we were to have a second son, my husband and I decided that two children was enough. I viewed the Church’s teaching on birth control as archaic and instituted by men who were clueless about marriage and family life, so I had no qualms about scheduling a tubal ligation.

“Are you sure you want to go ahead?” my doctor asked as I was being wheeled into the operating room. I thought this odd—especially when she put the question to me three times. After all, we had discussed the procedure on numerous occasions. If I’d been better acquainted with God, I might have suspected that he was trying to speak to me.

One week later, I had what I can only describe as a vision. In my mind, I saw a massive wall rise up, with me on one side and Jesus on the other. Feelings of despair, isolation, and loneliness overwhelmed me, and I heard cruel laughter and mocking sounds. I suddenly realized that I had made a choice against life—against God. My blindness lifted, I sank to the floor weeping, “What have I done!”

Too ashamed to turn to God or anyone close to me, I began a lonely, year-long descent into guilt, depression, and self-loathing. I felt unworthy of my role as wife and mother, always on the verge of tears, increasingly exhausted by my efforts to keep up a false front. I worried constantly that my mounting anger and despair would burst through.

I discussed my guilt with my doctor, but she dismissed these feelings as hormonal. Prescription pills brought no relief from the unrelenting misery and sense of evil nipping at my heels. My lowest point came during Mass one Sunday. Kneeling, eyes closed, I had an image of myself sitting alone on a bench in a hot, white, stark, and barren desert.

I dragged myself home, shut myself in the bedroom, and finally turned my eyes to heaven. “I cannot continue,” I told God. “I don’t know how to fix what I did. No matter what I do, it is wrong. You have to take over because I am too tired to try any more.”

As I sat quietly, numb from exhaustion, different events from my life began to unfold in my mind. A pattern emerged, and I saw that my anguish was more deeply rooted than I had suspected. In fact, feelings of inadequacy and insecurity had plagued me all my life.

Then I saw again the vision of myself sitting on that desert bench.

A lush garden begins to bloom around me, filling the desert with color. A brook flows nearby, its water lapping over small rocks. A cool breeze refreshes my body. I feel an arm around my shoulder, hugging me close. Jesus sitting next to me. He looks into my eyes and says, “You are exactly the person I created you to be. You are not alone. I am with you always.”

In that one moment, the darkness lifted. My despair was transformed into peace, and my loneliness vanished. Jesus came to my rescue and won the battle for my soul. And he and I began to talk.

I developed the desire to meet Jesus in prayer and Scripture, even getting up an hour earlier each morning before my boys woke up. This was definitely the Holy Spirit’s doing, as I have always loved my sleep! I now crave these quiet times to hang out with my best friend.

Prompted by the Spirit, I confessed my sin and discovered the healing power of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I also began delving into the riches of my Catholic faith. I now know that the teachings I was so quick to dismiss as “works of man” are inspired by the Holy Spirit and guide us to true happiness.

Now, as I go through my day, I share my concerns and desires with God. In my thoughts and in many other ways, he answers me—teaching, guiding, and consoling, as needed. I’m still learning to know him and recognize his voice, though. And sometimes I make mistakes.

About three years ago, I had another mental vision of myself. I was peering over the edge of a cliff, and Jesus was at the bottom, reaching up his arms to me. I sensed he was asking me to make some leap of faith that would involve suffering—maybe an awful illness befalling my sons. Out of fear, I brushed him off with an “I’m not ready.”

A few months later, on August 29, 2005, we lost our city and home to Hurricane Katrina. We were safe, but the New Orleans life we loved was forever washed away. As I wondered how we were going to get through this upheaval, the cliff image returned.

This time, as I stand on the edge, I hear a rushing noise and turn to see a huge, dark wind swirling towards me. It pushes me off with a deafening roar. I land safely in Jesus’ arms. “I wasn’t telling you to jump,” he says with a smile. “I was saying that you will fall, but I will catch you. You can trust me to always be here with you.”

Our family has struggled in many ways in the wake of Katrina, but I have felt peace. Jesus is with me and I no longer have to manage on my own. “It doesn’t matter where you live. Your home is with me,” he assured me, as my husband and I debated whether to return.

After almost two years away, we did return to Louisiana—to a beautiful small town near New Orleans. We often talk about whether we will ever live in our beloved city again, and I ask Jesus about it too. He just encourages me to trust him and follow.

“He walks ahead of them, and the sheep follow him, because they recognize his voice” (John 10:4). This found sheep says, “Amen!”