Yesterday, I had a really good visit with God. I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of a strip mall while my son participated in a 3-hour Krav Maga workshop. I was planning on finding a nearby coffee shop to sit and catch up on my reading, but it was such a cool and pleasant day that my car provided the comfy solitude I was looking for. So I just stayed put and got to reading. After two hours of reading a training manual, I was ready for something a bit less dry.
I brought with me a book I picked up as an impulse buy at a local Catholic book store. It’s called, Discovering the feminine genius – Every Woman’s Journey by Katrina J. Zeno. This book is written for a group study with questions at the end of each chapter. In Chapter 1, Zeno urges her readers to question our view of God the Father. To do so, she asks the reader to imagine approaching the throne of God. God gets up from his throne, comes down to you and takes your hand. He walks with you hand and hand up to His throne but stops at one of the stairs. He sits down and you sit down next to Him. He asks you how you feel about Him.
I tell God that I have always felt like I was a disappointment to Him. He gave me a functional family and a good life and I spent most of it not giving Him the due He deserved. I was taught about Him but did not know Him and I am sure that this has hurt Him. God then asks, “How do you feel I failed you? Tears begin rolling down my eyes. I say, “ I feel like I have wasted most of my life in selfishness. I don’t understand why You didn’t come to my rescue sooner.” More thoughts along this came to mind. I read the last sentence of the chapter:
When you are done, see the Father stand up, pick you up, and enfold you in His arms. Feel the warmth of the universe surround you and hear Him say in your ear, “I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry my daughter, for all the pain and suffering you endured.”
I sat in my car and in the quiet realized that the hurts and betrayals I received in my innocence hurt Him just as much. I realized that I was given many opportunities to come to Him since I was at the age of reason but chose to go my own way. I realized it was not His plan for me not to sense He was near me always, but original sin and my choices that kept me from seeing Him. I felt His love but still not satisfied as to why it took so long and what made me finally feel His loving Presence.
Last night, I was flipping the channel and came across a story about Our Lady of Fatima. A bishop is speaking about how saying the Rosary for the conversion of souls can open hearts through the intercession of Mary. Hmmm, I wonder, could it have been that my Mother’s lifelong recitations of the Rosary were the reason I finally felt Him? Could it have been a complete stranger’s dutiful devotion? Mary’s legion of blue army soldiers working diligently to convert the world to Her Son through their Rosary prayers? Could it possibly be true that saying the Rosary is the biggest weapon against evil? Could something so simple be so victorious?
I don’t know the answer yet, but I am willing to try my hand at it. I do pray the Rosary, but not in the dutiful and devotional way it is required. I don’t think until now, I perceived its potential power. I’m intrigued enough, though, to try for myself. I may never know if I save a soul by kneeling and praying the Rosary in the quiet of my bedroom, but I have learned that there are no coincidences in life and I was shown that television show for a reason. I trust and will use my “weapon” to enter the narrow gate.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Musings from Mardi Gras
A spiritual train of thought came to me at a Mardi Gras parade last month. To understand, you’ll have to endure a bit of explanation. Bear with me. Mardi Gras parades are not traditional parades where viewers watch and wave and riders ride and wave. Mardi Gras parades are interactive events. As the floats roll by, people are jumping up and down with hands held high in the hopes that they will be the lucky recipient of a “throw.” A throw is an object that the masked riders, well, throw. Throws traditionally include plastic necklaces, plastic cups with the “krewe” logo (A krewe is the organization putting on the parade), stuffed animals, plastic swords, cheap wooden spears – in other words, pretty worthless junk. But nevertheless, it is the loot each spectator wants. Actually that’s not true; he just wants to “get it.” Once in hand, the thrill is over. Without even a backwards glance, the throw is tossed it into a big pile of other throws and the spectator’s eyes move skyward in search of more. The whole value of a throw is from the brief couple of seconds it leaves the riders hand until it reaches a victorious grasp. After that, its usefulness is complete.
It occurred to me that this is exactly how mankind is valued by Satan. Again, bear with me. The value of a soul to the devil is from the time he or she first begins believing that the world offers more than God. The devil will spend hours, days, years grooming the soul to believe he or she is justified in their grudges, only need to be true to themselves and can accept or reject Truth based on their own truths, desires and wants. He reinforces all efforts by the soul to become his or her own god free of the burden of faith in God or content with his or her own version of God. Then, when the soul finally turns completely from the Truth choosing instead his or her own values molded by the flesh, the world and the devil, Satan grasps the soul in victory. And just like the throw, the soul is immediately tossed into a big pile never to be thought of again. Because you see, the devil has no desire to spend eternity with this soul, he only wants to “get it” so he can make sure his hated enemy, God, does not. The sinner is nothing more than a means to an end.
In our search for love and happiness, it is so easy to succumb to the empty promises of the world and ultimately, our destruction. Who among us has not bought into, to some extent, the culture of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll only to find that we are even more unhappy than before? This is because we believed the lies. It is possible to separate ourselves from the crowd and be the unique, special and very important person we have always yearned to be.
Here’s the secret they don’t want you to know: God, the Creator of the Universe, the One who always was and will always be, the One who designed the stars, the Sun, the Earth, the animals, the plants and all the systems that operate them, created you. Why? Because He thought you are a good idea and would fit perfectly into His Kingdom. The same goes for each and every one of us who ever was and ever will be. Can you believe this? Can you believe that God specifically thought of you and decided, Yes! You must be born! He will be good for my Kingdom. She is a perfect for my Plan.
You did not just happen; you were chosen to be created.
Psalm 139: 13-16
“You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works! My very self you knew; my bones were not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned as in the depths of the earth. Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be.”
Does this mean we are to be God’s puppets? By no means! It means He who created all deemed each of us so important to His Plan, that He is individual with every soul placing him or her precisely where that soul will grow and love. God, who is perfect in Himself in need of no one or no thing willed Himself to need each individual to help Him fulfill His Plan for creation.
So, how do you want to view yourself? As a means to an end? A strand of worthless beads tossed into the pile? A number? Or, would you rather take your rightful, special, unique place as the individual fashioned by the Creator to be exactly who you are, with all your own individual traits, specifically born in the time, place and into the lives of the people that God Himself chose just so that in your own unique capacity you can cooperate with the Creator of All to achieve His Plan of Perfection?
A no-brainer right? Then why do we so often choose to exist as zombies following mindlessly the fickle whims of pop culture and measuring our worth based on what "they" say we should be? We don't even know who "they" are. Why do we listen? Why is it so darn easy to choose the wrong path? The Catholic Church gives three reasons: the flesh, the world and the devil. The original sin of the flesh draws us to our base instincts, the secular enticements of the world dazzle and beguile our desires for happiness, and the devil uses all the power at his evil disposal to convince us that God is not who He says He is.
The logical next question is why would God allow these three reasons to keep us from Him? Because, He has created in each of us ALL the skills and talents needed to overcome these negative forces. We will be victorious against them. There is, however, a catch. To understand and utilize these skills and talents we must CHOOSE a relationship with God. It HAS to be our decision because God does not want a realitionship with mindless zombie puppets. He wants willing cooperators.
We were not created to live on our own. God desires to live within us and guide us to our unique purpose. He can do all on His own, He has chosen not to. The upside for us is He ONLY wants what is good for each of us individually and He desires it for us for ALL ETERNITY. He WANTS to spend eternity with us . . . with you!
So now that we know we cannot achieve our unique individual greatness without God, how do we cooperate with Him? We use the resources He has given us. The resources He provided are the Scriptures and the Church.
Jesus Christ died on the cross and returned to His Father but He did not leave us on our own. He left us the Church, guided by the Holy Spirit, to instruct, enlighten and guide us. This is clearly stated in the parable from Luke 16: 19-31 in which Jesus tells of a rich man who lived his life “of the world” and soon realizes his error when after death he finds himself in the netherworld. When he asks Abraham to take pity on him, he is told it is too late. When he then asks Abraham to warn his still living brothers of their fate if they do not turn to God, he is told, “They have Moses and the prophets. Let them listen to them.” The man protests and says, “If someone dead goes to them they will repent.” Abraham ends the discussion with, “If they will not listen to Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded if someone should rise from the dead.”
Following God on His terms is difficult yes, but with each step through the unknown to the KNOWN, we have a companion. God, through the Blessed Trinity, stoops down from Heaven to walk with us, talk with us, tell us what we are to do and why He thinks we are such a good idea.
Separate yourself from the crowd and struggle to enter the narrow gate to your greatness.
It occurred to me that this is exactly how mankind is valued by Satan. Again, bear with me. The value of a soul to the devil is from the time he or she first begins believing that the world offers more than God. The devil will spend hours, days, years grooming the soul to believe he or she is justified in their grudges, only need to be true to themselves and can accept or reject Truth based on their own truths, desires and wants. He reinforces all efforts by the soul to become his or her own god free of the burden of faith in God or content with his or her own version of God. Then, when the soul finally turns completely from the Truth choosing instead his or her own values molded by the flesh, the world and the devil, Satan grasps the soul in victory. And just like the throw, the soul is immediately tossed into a big pile never to be thought of again. Because you see, the devil has no desire to spend eternity with this soul, he only wants to “get it” so he can make sure his hated enemy, God, does not. The sinner is nothing more than a means to an end.
In our search for love and happiness, it is so easy to succumb to the empty promises of the world and ultimately, our destruction. Who among us has not bought into, to some extent, the culture of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll only to find that we are even more unhappy than before? This is because we believed the lies. It is possible to separate ourselves from the crowd and be the unique, special and very important person we have always yearned to be.
Here’s the secret they don’t want you to know: God, the Creator of the Universe, the One who always was and will always be, the One who designed the stars, the Sun, the Earth, the animals, the plants and all the systems that operate them, created you. Why? Because He thought you are a good idea and would fit perfectly into His Kingdom. The same goes for each and every one of us who ever was and ever will be. Can you believe this? Can you believe that God specifically thought of you and decided, Yes! You must be born! He will be good for my Kingdom. She is a perfect for my Plan.
You did not just happen; you were chosen to be created.
Psalm 139: 13-16
“You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works! My very self you knew; my bones were not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned as in the depths of the earth. Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be.”
Does this mean we are to be God’s puppets? By no means! It means He who created all deemed each of us so important to His Plan, that He is individual with every soul placing him or her precisely where that soul will grow and love. God, who is perfect in Himself in need of no one or no thing willed Himself to need each individual to help Him fulfill His Plan for creation.
So, how do you want to view yourself? As a means to an end? A strand of worthless beads tossed into the pile? A number? Or, would you rather take your rightful, special, unique place as the individual fashioned by the Creator to be exactly who you are, with all your own individual traits, specifically born in the time, place and into the lives of the people that God Himself chose just so that in your own unique capacity you can cooperate with the Creator of All to achieve His Plan of Perfection?
A no-brainer right? Then why do we so often choose to exist as zombies following mindlessly the fickle whims of pop culture and measuring our worth based on what "they" say we should be? We don't even know who "they" are. Why do we listen? Why is it so darn easy to choose the wrong path? The Catholic Church gives three reasons: the flesh, the world and the devil. The original sin of the flesh draws us to our base instincts, the secular enticements of the world dazzle and beguile our desires for happiness, and the devil uses all the power at his evil disposal to convince us that God is not who He says He is.
The logical next question is why would God allow these three reasons to keep us from Him? Because, He has created in each of us ALL the skills and talents needed to overcome these negative forces. We will be victorious against them. There is, however, a catch. To understand and utilize these skills and talents we must CHOOSE a relationship with God. It HAS to be our decision because God does not want a realitionship with mindless zombie puppets. He wants willing cooperators.
We were not created to live on our own. God desires to live within us and guide us to our unique purpose. He can do all on His own, He has chosen not to. The upside for us is He ONLY wants what is good for each of us individually and He desires it for us for ALL ETERNITY. He WANTS to spend eternity with us . . . with you!
So now that we know we cannot achieve our unique individual greatness without God, how do we cooperate with Him? We use the resources He has given us. The resources He provided are the Scriptures and the Church.
Jesus Christ died on the cross and returned to His Father but He did not leave us on our own. He left us the Church, guided by the Holy Spirit, to instruct, enlighten and guide us. This is clearly stated in the parable from Luke 16: 19-31 in which Jesus tells of a rich man who lived his life “of the world” and soon realizes his error when after death he finds himself in the netherworld. When he asks Abraham to take pity on him, he is told it is too late. When he then asks Abraham to warn his still living brothers of their fate if they do not turn to God, he is told, “They have Moses and the prophets. Let them listen to them.” The man protests and says, “If someone dead goes to them they will repent.” Abraham ends the discussion with, “If they will not listen to Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded if someone should rise from the dead.”
Following God on His terms is difficult yes, but with each step through the unknown to the KNOWN, we have a companion. God, through the Blessed Trinity, stoops down from Heaven to walk with us, talk with us, tell us what we are to do and why He thinks we are such a good idea.
Separate yourself from the crowd and struggle to enter the narrow gate to your greatness.
Friday, March 12, 2010
My first published article!
(The Word Among Us - August 2009)
Is That You, Lord?
How I began to recognize the voice of God
How can you tell if God is speaking to you? How do you discern whether one of the innumerable thoughts racing through your brain might be divinely inspired? As any mother knows from her own ability to pick out her child’s voice from among the din of other voices at the playground, the starting point is communication and familiarity with the person speaking. But for many years, I had no real knowledge of God.
Though raised in a loving home by committed Catholic parents, I fell away from my faith when I moved out on my own. Late Saturday nights out meant sleeping in on Sundays, and God became a low priority. After I married and gave birth to our first child, though, I felt an immense responsibility to give him a solid spiritual foundation. I returned to church and to weekly Mass. Even so, I didn’t bother to develop a relationship with God.
At forty I became pregnant again. Thrilled as we were to have a second son, my husband and I decided that two children was enough. I viewed the Church’s teaching on birth control as archaic and instituted by men who were clueless about marriage and family life, so I had no qualms about scheduling a tubal ligation.
“Are you sure you want to go ahead?” my doctor asked as I was being wheeled into the operating room. I thought this odd—especially when she put the question to me three times. After all, we had discussed the procedure on numerous occasions. If I’d been better acquainted with God, I might have suspected that he was trying to speak to me.
One week later, I had what I can only describe as a vision. In my mind, I saw a massive wall rise up, with me on one side and Jesus on the other. Feelings of despair, isolation, and loneliness overwhelmed me, and I heard cruel laughter and mocking sounds. I suddenly realized that I had made a choice against life—against God. My blindness lifted, I sank to the floor weeping, “What have I done!”
Too ashamed to turn to God or anyone close to me, I began a lonely, year-long descent into guilt, depression, and self-loathing. I felt unworthy of my role as wife and mother, always on the verge of tears, increasingly exhausted by my efforts to keep up a false front. I worried constantly that my mounting anger and despair would burst through.
I discussed my guilt with my doctor, but she dismissed these feelings as hormonal. Prescription pills brought no relief from the unrelenting misery and sense of evil nipping at my heels. My lowest point came during Mass one Sunday. Kneeling, eyes closed, I had an image of myself sitting alone on a bench in a hot, white, stark, and barren desert.
I dragged myself home, shut myself in the bedroom, and finally turned my eyes to heaven. “I cannot continue,” I told God. “I don’t know how to fix what I did. No matter what I do, it is wrong. You have to take over because I am too tired to try any more.”
As I sat quietly, numb from exhaustion, different events from my life began to unfold in my mind. A pattern emerged, and I saw that my anguish was more deeply rooted than I had suspected. In fact, feelings of inadequacy and insecurity had plagued me all my life.
Then I saw again the vision of myself sitting on that desert bench.
A lush garden begins to bloom around me, filling the desert with color. A brook flows nearby, its water lapping over small rocks. A cool breeze refreshes my body. I feel an arm around my shoulder, hugging me close. Jesus sitting next to me. He looks into my eyes and says, “You are exactly the person I created you to be. You are not alone. I am with you always.”
In that one moment, the darkness lifted. My despair was transformed into peace, and my loneliness vanished. Jesus came to my rescue and won the battle for my soul. And he and I began to talk.
I developed the desire to meet Jesus in prayer and Scripture, even getting up an hour earlier each morning before my boys woke up. This was definitely the Holy Spirit’s doing, as I have always loved my sleep! I now crave these quiet times to hang out with my best friend.
Prompted by the Spirit, I confessed my sin and discovered the healing power of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I also began delving into the riches of my Catholic faith. I now know that the teachings I was so quick to dismiss as “works of man” are inspired by the Holy Spirit and guide us to true happiness.
Now, as I go through my day, I share my concerns and desires with God. In my thoughts and in many other ways, he answers me—teaching, guiding, and consoling, as needed. I’m still learning to know him and recognize his voice, though. And sometimes I make mistakes.
About three years ago, I had another mental vision of myself. I was peering over the edge of a cliff, and Jesus was at the bottom, reaching up his arms to me. I sensed he was asking me to make some leap of faith that would involve suffering—maybe an awful illness befalling my sons. Out of fear, I brushed him off with an “I’m not ready.”
A few months later, on August 29, 2005, we lost our city and home to Hurricane Katrina. We were safe, but the New Orleans life we loved was forever washed away. As I wondered how we were going to get through this upheaval, the cliff image returned.
This time, as I stand on the edge, I hear a rushing noise and turn to see a huge, dark wind swirling towards me. It pushes me off with a deafening roar. I land safely in Jesus’ arms. “I wasn’t telling you to jump,” he says with a smile. “I was saying that you will fall, but I will catch you. You can trust me to always be here with you.”
Our family has struggled in many ways in the wake of Katrina, but I have felt peace. Jesus is with me and I no longer have to manage on my own. “It doesn’t matter where you live. Your home is with me,” he assured me, as my husband and I debated whether to return.
After almost two years away, we did return to Louisiana—to a beautiful small town near New Orleans. We often talk about whether we will ever live in our beloved city again, and I ask Jesus about it too. He just encourages me to trust him and follow.
“He walks ahead of them, and the sheep follow him, because they recognize his voice” (John 10:4). This found sheep says, “Amen!”
Is That You, Lord?
How I began to recognize the voice of God
How can you tell if God is speaking to you? How do you discern whether one of the innumerable thoughts racing through your brain might be divinely inspired? As any mother knows from her own ability to pick out her child’s voice from among the din of other voices at the playground, the starting point is communication and familiarity with the person speaking. But for many years, I had no real knowledge of God.
Though raised in a loving home by committed Catholic parents, I fell away from my faith when I moved out on my own. Late Saturday nights out meant sleeping in on Sundays, and God became a low priority. After I married and gave birth to our first child, though, I felt an immense responsibility to give him a solid spiritual foundation. I returned to church and to weekly Mass. Even so, I didn’t bother to develop a relationship with God.
At forty I became pregnant again. Thrilled as we were to have a second son, my husband and I decided that two children was enough. I viewed the Church’s teaching on birth control as archaic and instituted by men who were clueless about marriage and family life, so I had no qualms about scheduling a tubal ligation.
“Are you sure you want to go ahead?” my doctor asked as I was being wheeled into the operating room. I thought this odd—especially when she put the question to me three times. After all, we had discussed the procedure on numerous occasions. If I’d been better acquainted with God, I might have suspected that he was trying to speak to me.
One week later, I had what I can only describe as a vision. In my mind, I saw a massive wall rise up, with me on one side and Jesus on the other. Feelings of despair, isolation, and loneliness overwhelmed me, and I heard cruel laughter and mocking sounds. I suddenly realized that I had made a choice against life—against God. My blindness lifted, I sank to the floor weeping, “What have I done!”
Too ashamed to turn to God or anyone close to me, I began a lonely, year-long descent into guilt, depression, and self-loathing. I felt unworthy of my role as wife and mother, always on the verge of tears, increasingly exhausted by my efforts to keep up a false front. I worried constantly that my mounting anger and despair would burst through.
I discussed my guilt with my doctor, but she dismissed these feelings as hormonal. Prescription pills brought no relief from the unrelenting misery and sense of evil nipping at my heels. My lowest point came during Mass one Sunday. Kneeling, eyes closed, I had an image of myself sitting alone on a bench in a hot, white, stark, and barren desert.
I dragged myself home, shut myself in the bedroom, and finally turned my eyes to heaven. “I cannot continue,” I told God. “I don’t know how to fix what I did. No matter what I do, it is wrong. You have to take over because I am too tired to try any more.”
As I sat quietly, numb from exhaustion, different events from my life began to unfold in my mind. A pattern emerged, and I saw that my anguish was more deeply rooted than I had suspected. In fact, feelings of inadequacy and insecurity had plagued me all my life.
Then I saw again the vision of myself sitting on that desert bench.
A lush garden begins to bloom around me, filling the desert with color. A brook flows nearby, its water lapping over small rocks. A cool breeze refreshes my body. I feel an arm around my shoulder, hugging me close. Jesus sitting next to me. He looks into my eyes and says, “You are exactly the person I created you to be. You are not alone. I am with you always.”
In that one moment, the darkness lifted. My despair was transformed into peace, and my loneliness vanished. Jesus came to my rescue and won the battle for my soul. And he and I began to talk.
I developed the desire to meet Jesus in prayer and Scripture, even getting up an hour earlier each morning before my boys woke up. This was definitely the Holy Spirit’s doing, as I have always loved my sleep! I now crave these quiet times to hang out with my best friend.
Prompted by the Spirit, I confessed my sin and discovered the healing power of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I also began delving into the riches of my Catholic faith. I now know that the teachings I was so quick to dismiss as “works of man” are inspired by the Holy Spirit and guide us to true happiness.
Now, as I go through my day, I share my concerns and desires with God. In my thoughts and in many other ways, he answers me—teaching, guiding, and consoling, as needed. I’m still learning to know him and recognize his voice, though. And sometimes I make mistakes.
About three years ago, I had another mental vision of myself. I was peering over the edge of a cliff, and Jesus was at the bottom, reaching up his arms to me. I sensed he was asking me to make some leap of faith that would involve suffering—maybe an awful illness befalling my sons. Out of fear, I brushed him off with an “I’m not ready.”
A few months later, on August 29, 2005, we lost our city and home to Hurricane Katrina. We were safe, but the New Orleans life we loved was forever washed away. As I wondered how we were going to get through this upheaval, the cliff image returned.
This time, as I stand on the edge, I hear a rushing noise and turn to see a huge, dark wind swirling towards me. It pushes me off with a deafening roar. I land safely in Jesus’ arms. “I wasn’t telling you to jump,” he says with a smile. “I was saying that you will fall, but I will catch you. You can trust me to always be here with you.”
Our family has struggled in many ways in the wake of Katrina, but I have felt peace. Jesus is with me and I no longer have to manage on my own. “It doesn’t matter where you live. Your home is with me,” he assured me, as my husband and I debated whether to return.
After almost two years away, we did return to Louisiana—to a beautiful small town near New Orleans. We often talk about whether we will ever live in our beloved city again, and I ask Jesus about it too. He just encourages me to trust him and follow.
“He walks ahead of them, and the sheep follow him, because they recognize his voice” (John 10:4). This found sheep says, “Amen!”
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